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Time to relax

March 26, 2012 By AdoptResources 2 Comments

Do you ever convince yourself that you’re too busy to take time off, to relax, or just do nothing? I’m doing a lot of that just now and the busy-ness can be counter productive – I end up running on empty and not getting much done but don’t give myself time to relax and recharge.

Today I took time out to chill with some lovely ladies from our Adoption UK group at a local spa. I almost convinced myself that I was too busy to go but I’m so glad that I didn’t listen to myself.

I had a fantastic time – I swam, chatted, bubbled in the jacuzzi and cooked myself in the sauna – switching off totally from all my to do lists and the neverending washing piles. It reminded me how important it is to stop now and again, and have a bit of downtime.

Being in such supportive company was a huge boost and giving myself some time and space to think cleared out some of the mental clutter.

I have to confess to feeling a bit stressed when I got home and back to reality, but armed with my inner calm, I got on with the things that I really had to do…

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: adoption, family, health, parenting, relax, talking adoption

Mother’s Day

March 17, 2012 By AdoptResources 2 Comments

What does mother’s day mean to you?

Is it a celebration of motherhood… a chance to get spoiled for the day… a reminder of another year without children… a reminder of the challenges of adoption… a reminder of birth family connections… a cheesy, hallmark card non-event?

Depending on your circumstances and the stage you’re at in the process it could be some, all or none of the above. Like lots of family celebrations, the pressure is on to have a happy family day and sometimes things don’t quite work out as planned.

For some adopted children, Mother’s Day can be a reminder of the fact that they have another Mum somewhere else and the confusion and emotions around this can affect their behaviour, especially for younger children who might not be able to tell you how they’re feeling or understand what they’re feeling. For some children it can feel disloyal to celebrate with you and they might push themselves away from you or try to sabotage some of what’s planned.

Whatever happens, enjoy your day… If it’s not possible to make it a family celebration, find some time in the day to squeeze in a treat for you – 30 mins with a cup of tea and a magazine, a latte, a nice glass of wine or a relaxing bath. Celebrate all you do as a Mum (even in challenging circumstances) and all your hopes for Motherhood if you’re at the waiting stage.

Related posts
Being a Mum
She’s not my real mum

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: adoptee, adoption, birth family, family, Mother's Day, parenting, talking adoption

Looking back…

March 15, 2012 By AdoptResources 2 Comments

I was speaking at a prep group for prospective adopters last night and one of the questions asked was, ‘knowing what you know now, what would you go back and tell yourself when you were just starting out?’

What a fab question… and my answer?

To be kinder to myself and not be too hard on myself for any mistakes I made along the way…

By that I don’t mean to be complacent but I do mean to see things with a long term view, to understand that progress starts with baby steps and that if things don’t go right today, you’ve got another opportunity tomorrow to approach things differently…

Many’s the time that I’ve messed up and thought ‘well you’ve blown it now’ and sometimes those have been the best moments for repair and recovery, owning up to the fact that I got it wrong and here’s what I really meant to say!

There’s obviously loads more advice/tips that I’d go back and tell myself if I could but my biggy is to be kinder to myself, to be as kind and nurturing to me as I am with my children.

What would your advice to your younger, earlier in the process self be?

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: adoption, family, parenting, preparation, talking adoption, thinking about adoption, top tips

Missing in action…

February 21, 2012 By AdoptResources 2 Comments

Things have been quiet on the blog since the start of the year… as well as running AdoptResources, I’ve recently been appointed to a new post so we’re juggling and managing lots of things at home and at work, and settling into our new routine.

I’m busy hatching plans and working on new things to offer in 2012, not least some work-life balance/survival tips! Let me know what you’d like to see more of…

Catch up soon

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: back to work, blogging, family, parenting, top tips, work

Surviving the festive season

December 25, 2011 By AdoptResources 2 Comments

The festive season can be a magical time but sometimes the expectations and excitement can be hard to manage, especially for children who find managing emotions difficult at the best of times.

Here are a few things that can help…

keep things simple
help transitions by talking about what’s happening next
stick to the plan/routine if you can
if there’s any challenging behaviour, look behind the behaviour, think about what’s driving it
aim for fun, not perfection…

Essentially, it’s all about understanding the potential triggers and things going on behind the scenes, and finding ways to manage expectations and feelings.

Best wishes for a fun time over the festive season

Leave a comment with your tips for the holidays…

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: adoption, attachment, birth family, christmas, holidays, parenting, top tips

New ebook launched today…

November 2, 2011 By AdoptResources Leave a Comment

Following on from the success of our ebook Boosting Self Esteem in Adoption, Naomi Richards, The Kid’s Coach, and I have joined forces again to bring you… “Dealing with Anger in Adoption”.

In the ebook we look at why anger can be an issue for some adopted children, how we as parents can work with our child to make sense of anger, and valuable strategies for dealing with anger. We’ve also included suggestions for activities that will help boost your child’s emotional understanding in the longer term.

You can download Dealing with Anger in Adoption for FREE until 10th November 2011 (from 11th November cost per individual download will be £2.50 and for agency download for distribution £10)

Although written from the perspective of adoption, this ebook will also be helpful for foster carers.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: adoptee, adoption, attachment, development, ebooks, family, fostering, learning, parenting, school, top tips

Thinking About Adoption…

November 1, 2011 By AdoptResources 3 Comments

When you’re thinking about adoption it can often be difficult to know where to start and how the process works. Aside from all the practical steps to find out about, the emotional aspects of getting to this stage and imagining yourself as a parent through adoption can be difficult to get your head around.

There are a lot of myths around about adoption – who can adopt, how old children are when they are placed with a family etc etc. It’s important not to be influenced by out of date or incorrect information.

Here are some tips to help get you started…

Do a bit of research around adoption in your area – the different types of adoption (e.g. domestic, overseas), eligibility criteria, the children placed for adoption, post-placement support.
Separate the practical from the emotional – find out what you need to do to adopt – who do you need to phone, what paperwork do you have to complete, etc etc. This means that when and if you decide to adopt you can move a whole lot faster.
Give yourself time and space to think about the emotional side of adoption – if you’re adopting as a couple, take time to talk to each other about what adoption means to you and how you feel about the process.
Talk to someone who’s been through adoption or to a professional working in adoption. A lot of agencies now have open evenings or drop in sessions – take the opportunity to go along and ask a few questions and find out more.

Making the decision to adopt is something unique to you and your situation. For some, it can be a relatively straightforward or even easy decision to make, for others it can mean leaving behind hopes and dreams of giving birth to your baby. It’s important to recognise any loss or grief and again give yourself time before taking the next steps.

Other resources
Is Adoption for Me? is a free report with a bit more info that you can download here

National Adoption Week in the UK and National Adoption Month in the US have great information pages that you can access all year round.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: adoption, family, thinking about adoption, top tips

Blog Carnival: On adopting and being adopted

October 31, 2011 By AdoptResources 2 Comments

Like last year, I have been amazed at the generosity of people willing to share their view of adoption for this year’s Blogging Carnival. There are accounts of what it’s like to be adopted and what it’s like to adopt.

Being adopted… I’m fascinated by family likeness and resemblance and by issues around identity and birth family. I love reading about adoption from the perspective of someone who is adopted. I suppose it’s part of my adoption jigsaw and it helps me when I try to figure out how to respond to questions from my kids and how to deal with contact. Jo’s post Who am I anyway and Confessions of a single mum’s posts about growing up knowing you’re adopted help build up a picture of what it’s like to be adopted. I liked this quote from Jo:
“Adoption is a hugely complex issue and the way people respond to it cannot be summed up in one neat sentence.”

Adopting… Jennifer at Lions Whiskers gives a lovely account of meeting her daughter for the first time and about courage and taking that step towards each other and a new family life.

Last year Tami wrote about the waiting stage in adoption-which proved to be very lengthy in her case. This year, Tami’s post has some fab at home yoga tips for new mamas! Taking care of ourselves emotionally and physically is important no matter what stage we’re at in the process so at home yoga is maybe something we should all have a think about.

As parents in adoption, we all come into the process wanting to do the best for children who have not had the best start in life and sometimes it can be difficult to be the parent we wanted to be. Nicola at Braveheart Adoption wrote a great post To judge or not to judge on finding our way as parents… It took me a while to feel like a real mum and my post for the carnival is Being a Mum…

I enjoyed reading the posts and hope you do too – a massive thanks to everyone who contributed.

Leave a comment or send me a link if you’ve got anything you’d like to add.

PS
Jo has a fab new site TheMeInside for anyone affected by adoption

Confessions of a single mum has grouped her adoption posts here – lots on search and reunion that I can’t do justice to in this post.

Related posts
Adoption Stories

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: adoptee, adoption, birth family, blogging, lifestory work, parenting, search and reunion, talking adoption, thinking about adoption

Blogging carnival 2011

October 11, 2011 By AdoptResources 2 Comments

Last year I hosted a blogging carnival for National Adoption Week and was amazed at the response. I’m hosting one again this year and would love to hear from anyone who’d like to submit a post related to adoption.

I’m looking for posts from all perspectives in adoption – adoptee, adoptive parent, birth parent, prospective adopter, relative through adoption, practitioner… and from all viewpoints-good/bad/indifferent…

If you’d like to contribute, email details of your post to fiona@adoptresources.co.uk by October 28th. You don’t have to write a post specifically for the carnival. You don’t even have to have your own blog and if you’d like to submit something but don’t want to post it on your usual blog, email me the post and I can include it as a guest blog.

Looking forward to hearing from you…

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Adoption: targets and figures

September 29, 2011 By AdoptResources 1 Comment

New figures on the number of adoptions in England and Wales are reported in the media today with the general message that there needs to be more adoptions and the process needs to be speeded up.

I’m always wary of these calls to action. Adoption figures can be related in so many emotive ways… “languishing in care” or the contrast “forced adoption… child snatchers”, leading to calls to increase or decrease the numbers of adoptions.

Focussing solely on numbers means you miss the factors that create those numbers. More exploration of the figures is needed to see where the bottlenecks are and what part of the process can be improved to address these.

There are faults with the adoption process and care system and these need to be addressed by improving systems and processes and offering the right support to professionals and families. But a rush to change everything and speed things up could lead to important steps being missed.

Myths about who can and can’t adopt need to be debunked and the process of adoption demystified.

Most importantly for me, the support of families and children is paramount. The ongoing impact of early abuse and neglect on children who go on to adoption is not given the same recognition as that of the looked after child, with some families opting for a long term foster care arrangement rather than adoption so that they don’t lose specialist services for their child.

Regardless of the numbers, the end result of all these processes should be that a child is living in the family setting that is best for them and that they are given the best chance to thrive.

Related posts
It’s not about the numbers

BAAF statement 28/09/11

Filed Under: adoption, adoption process Tagged With: adoption, family, fostering, legal process, thinking about adoption