I’m busy hatching plans and working on new things to offer in 2012, not least some work-life balance/survival tips! Let me know what you’d like to see more of…

Catch up soon

Here are a few things that can help…

• keep things simple
• help transitions by talking about what’s happening next
• stick to the plan/routine if you can
• if there’s any challenging behaviour, look behind the behaviour, think about what’s driving it
• aim for fun, not perfection…

Essentially, it’s all about understanding the potential triggers and things going on behind the scenes, and finding ways to manage expectations and feelings.

Best wishes for a fun time over the festive season

Leave a comment with your tips for the holidays…

In the ebook we look at why anger can be an issue for some adopted children, how we as parents can work with our child to make sense of anger, and valuable strategies for dealing with anger. We’ve also  included suggestions for activities that will help boost your child’s emotional understanding in the longer term.

You can download Dealing with Anger in Adoption for FREE until 10th November 2011 (from 11th November cost per individual download will be £2.50 and for agency download for distribution £10)

Although written from the perspective of adoption, this ebook will also be helpful for foster carers.

There are a lot of myths around about adoption – who can adopt, how old children are when they are placed with a family etc etc. It’s important not to be influenced by out of date or incorrect information.

Here are some tips to help get you started…

1. Do a bit of research around adoption in your area – the different types of adoption (e.g. domestic, overseas), eligibility criteria, the children placed for adoption, post-placement support.
2. Separate the practical from the emotional – find out what you need to do to adopt – who do you need to phone, what paperwork do you have to complete, etc etc. This means that when and if you decide to adopt you can move a whole lot faster.
3. Give yourself time and space to think about the emotional side of adoption – if you’re adopting as a couple, take time to talk to each other about what adoption means to you and how you feel about the process.
4. Talk to someone who’s been through adoption or to a professional working in adoption. A lot of agencies now have open evenings or drop in sessions – take the opportunity to go along and ask a few questions and find out more.

Making the decision to adopt is something unique to you and your situation. For some, it can be a relatively straightforward or even easy decision to make, for others it can mean leaving behind hopes and dreams of giving birth to your baby. It’s important to recognise any loss or grief and again give yourself time before taking the next steps.

Other resources
Is Adoption for Me? is a free report with a bit more info that you can download here

National Adoption Week in the UK and National Adoption Month in the US have great information pages that you can access all year round.

Adopting… Jennifer at Lions Whiskers gives a lovely account of  meeting her daughter for the first time and about courage and taking that step towards each other and a new family life.

Last year Tami wrote about the waiting stage in adoption-which proved to be very lengthy in her case. This year, Tami’s post has some fab at home yoga tips for new mamas! Taking care of ourselves emotionally and physically is important no matter what stage we’re at in the process so at home yoga is maybe something we should all have a think about.

As parents in adoption, we all come into the process wanting to do the best for children who have not had the best start in life and sometimes it can be difficult to be the parent we wanted to be. Nicola at Braveheart Adoption wrote a great post To judge or not to judge on finding our way as parents… It took me a while to feel like a real mum and my post for the carnival is Being a Mum…

I enjoyed reading the posts and hope you do too – a massive thanks to everyone who contributed.

Leave a comment or send me a link if you’ve got anything you’d like to add.

PS
Jo has a fab new site TheMeInside for anyone affected by adoption

Confessions of a single mum has grouped her adoption posts here  – lots on search and reunion that I can’t do justice to in this post.

Related posts
Adoption Stories

I’m looking for posts from all perspectives in adoption – adoptee, adoptive parent, birth parent, prospective adopter, relative through adoption, practitioner… and from all viewpoints-good/bad/indifferent…

If you’d like to contribute, email details of your post to fiona@adoptresources.co.uk by October 28th. You don’t have to write a post specifically for the carnival.  You don’t even have to have your own blog and if you’d like to submit something but don’t want to post it on your usual blog, email me the post and I can include it as a guest blog.

Looking forward to hearing from you…

Related posts
Adoption stories
Adoption Blog carnival
Be my guest

I’m always wary of these calls to action. Adoption figures can be related in so many emotive ways… “languishing in care” or the contrast “forced adoption… child snatchers”, leading to calls to increase or decrease the numbers of adoptions.

Focussing solely on numbers means you miss the factors that create those numbers. More exploration of the figures is needed to see where the bottlenecks are and what part of the process can be improved to address these.

There are faults with the adoption process and care system and these need to be addressed by improving systems and processes and offering the right support to professionals and families. But a rush to change everything and speed things up could lead to important steps being missed.

Myths about who can and can’t adopt need to be debunked and the process of adoption demystified.

Most importantly for me, the support of families and children is paramount. The ongoing impact of early abuse and neglect on children who go on to adoption is not given the same recognition as that of the looked after child, with some families opting for a long term foster care arrangement rather than adoption so that they don’t lose specialist services for their child.

Regardless of the numbers, the end result of all these processes should be that a child is living in the family setting that is best for them and that they are given the best chance to thrive.

Related posts
It’s not about the numbers

BAAF statement 28/09/11

Containment in this context describes the process where an infant seeks out emotional regulation from their carer by projecting their unmanageable feelings to their carer to manage. The carer absorbs the feelings and reflects them back in a more manageable form. It is an important part of the infant, caregiver relationship and links closely with the attachment process.

I really liked this way of thinking about emotional regulation, especially in adoption and fostering where children might not have had much emotional containtment in their early years and could still be projecting what’s unmanageable for them and chucking it your way to process. It helps make sense of those situations where ‘emotions run high’...

Another important point that was made is that carers can become ‘uncontained’ in trying to contain the emotions  of children in their care…

All of this got me thinking about ‘containment for containers’. For practitioners that can be in the form of professional supervision, for parents and carers it might be one-to-one support, a chat with a social worker, support groups, online forums, friends and family, or a book and a cup of tea. Whatever works for you, it’s important to recognise that you’ll need to find ways to help you feel supported and ready to deal with whatever emotions might be thrown at you.

On a professional level, I have regular supervision, and on a personal level I rely on my network of friends and family, and lots and lots of tea… What works for you?

What’s your preference? I can see the benefits of both – the school lunches can offer a hot and healthy alternative, but they can also present children with choices they’re not ready to make. On the other hand, packed lunches can contain carefully selected healthy options, but if you’re anything like me, the repertoire of offerings can get a bit boring.

Nutrition is so important both in terms of long term health and wellbeing and also on a day to day basis to keep energy levels matched with the physical and mental requirements of the school day. Trying to get the right balance can be a struggle some days, especially if there are any food fads on the go!

I’m going to stick with the packed lunches for now and throw in the odd ‘pay lunch’ for a bit of variety. What do you like about packed lunches or school lunches? Do you have any tips on keeping lunch boxes healthy and interesting?

Related posts
If you’re looking for ideas, Netmums have a good feature on lunchbox ideas.

Not knowing how you feel, how to say how you feel or how to work out how others feel leads to misunderstandings in lots of areas including at home, with friends and at school.

We used to play a game when the kids were younger to help with naming and understanding emotions and facial expressions. It’s really easy – you just need a mirror, you and your child…
Step 1 name an emotion – happy/excited/sad/angry etc
Step 2 both look into the mirror and make the face!
Step 3 back to step 1, taking it in turns to name the emotion…

Dead easy and lots of fun. I still do it with the kids now that they are older – we don’t need the mirror, we just make faces at each other!

Other things that can help are naming emotions for your child… ‘it seems to me like you’re angry about that…’, it helps them name what they are feeling and build their vocabulary of emotions.

What things have you found help make sense of emotions?

This post was inspired by Misreading Facial Expressions written by my friend, Naomi Richards aka The Kids’ Coach

Related posts:
Noticing